The Poison Pie Publishing House presents:

February 1, 2020
Software companies employ workers with a variety of skills. Like other businesses, they require not only programmers to write the lines of code but also accountants to balance the books, human resource personnel to manage the hiring process and benefits, attorneys to write end-user agreements and third party contracts, salesmen, technical support, clerical staff, custodians and sundry other employees. Each individual who occupies one of these positions is a unique human being with their own story, some surely more compelling than the tale of self-invented madness of our protagonist, Cole.

Still, we have chosen Cole as the vehicle through which we shall deliver our message of woe. That we devote words to any other individual is an acknowledgment of the implicitly shared nature of tragedy. Should a calamity befall Cole alone, it would hardly merit mention, much less broadcast as a public horror. Cole's meticulously contained troubles rendered them an internal disaster. Had he been killed in some roadway accident, traveling to or from work, the complete extent of his influence would have been to induce grief in his parents.

No, the horror, which Cole would inflict upon the world, was destined to have a bigger impact. To accommodate this end, it is necessary to expand the scope of our narrative to include a broader context in the form of persons whom we could describe as more or less innocent bystanders.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Masataka Fujikake - unreleased live recording, tracks 6-10 (November 12, 2006, Stormy Monday, Kannai, Yokohama, Japan, digital files)

February 2, 2020
Consider Katie in accounting. Her life was well-ordered. Always prompt, she executed her job with professionalism. Deadlines were to her a challenge to be overcome and there was a certain swagger to doing so without breaking a sweat. She often accentuated her blouses with a colorful silk scarf around her neck.

She maintained diligent control over her personal finances. In her late twenties, both her automobile and student loans had been repaid in full and she had recently taken out a mortgage on a three-bedroom house in order to build equity. She maximized the company matching to her retirement fund. A paragon of fiscal responsibility, Katie shared none of this information publicly, regarding it rather as a private virtue.

She desired to be appreciated exclusively for other traits--an easy sense of humor, an accommodating attitude and a love of the outdoors. Describing her in this way, one would imagine that suitors should have been lined up at her door. In this regard too, Katie was guarded. Like most, the outcome of her life was undetermined. Would she find a partner equal in merit while reproductive years remained to her or would she lower her standard to find a reasonable man to assume the role of husband and partner?

Certainly one such as Cole, with an ill-starred look and dearth of social grace, never created so much as a blip on Katie's radar of potential romantic interest.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino, Takahashi Ayuo & Yoko Ueno - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-7 (December 3, 2006, Koendori Classics, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 3, 2020
Think of Glen, the programmer who occupied the cubicle two units down from Cole. He embraced the stereotype of the computer nerd, sometimes embellishing his own behavior so as to perfect his role. His desk served as a diorama to a rotating cast of plastic action figures, hailing from science fiction and fantasy genres, both recent films as well as children's cartoons of decades past. For all intents and purposes, it appeared that Glen had already achieved his life's goal--a job, spent at the computer, where he was paid to demonstrate his complete mastery of programming and which allowed him the independence to spend his free time at the computer, taking on challengers from around the world in the latest online game. He expressed no concern over his weight and groomed wispy patches of a moustache that darkened his upper lip.

When he learned that Cole had tried his hand at fantasy role-playing games as a student, Glen attempted to recruit him. "There's no need to come over," he said. "You can join remotely from your place." While it was true that Cole sought innocuous ways to occupy his leisure time, he did not experience a sense of fulfillment from hours lost to a game. As a result, he made a poor impression on Glen, who nevertheless begrudgingly admitted that Cole's skills as a programmer were respectable.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Saoi Inoue - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-5 (January 17, 2007, Koendori Classics, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 4, 2020
In a separate division, Luis occupied a programmer's cubicle on the floor above Glen and Cole. To the extent that their systems needed to interface with each other, they held frequent, ad hoc meetings usually in the break room. A good-natured rivalry existed between the two programming groups. Sarcastic criticism of perceived coding inefficiencies was the currency of this contest. Special care was given to crafting critiques in jargon so obtusely technical that managers were unaware of its derisive intent. Such was the camaraderie to which Luis was subject. Alone in this city, he took what he could get.

Upon Cole's hiring by the company, Luis naturally discerned the newcomer's isolation. It was not only in his social interests but in his nature to reach out. Unfortunately for Luis, Cole continued to demonstrate his lack of social awareness. He did not recognize Luis' overtures as genuine attempts to welcome a new colleague. Instead, Cole suspected that Luis intended to perpetrate some prank or hazing ritual. He allowed his non-responsiveness to passively terminate this exchange. As for Luis, he was content to restrain his social interactions to a faithful stream of biweekly correspondences, thanking him for the remittances he sent home.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Kan Mikami - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-8 (January 21, 2007, O-Nest, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 5, 2020
No one knew the characteristics of the various employees of this company better than Gloria, to whom it fell to clean up after them. She made her rounds of the offices and cubicles on a nightly basis, emptying the trash bins. Although she could not put a face to each occupant, she knew who, in violation of company policy, ate at their desks rather than in the break room, and what they ate by the crumbs on the keyboard and the wrappers in the garbage. In the reduced after-work lighting, she then retraced her steps, running a vacuum cleaner over the carpet patterned in gray and beige. The array of the nightly tasks assigned to her fit within the allotted time without undue haste. Therefore, Gloria was able to pause and to chat with employees who, on occasion stayed late. As the end of the fiscal year drew near, the accountants were likely to work into the night. For the rest of the year, it fell to the programmers to waylay Gloria as she proceeded through her nocturnal routine. She found something unusual about all the programmers, who were like the men she knew outside work in that they lived with the attitude of men, and unlike in the way they elevated arbitrary issues to a state of personal crisis. She listened sympathetically. She was open to the idea that Cole too should share with her what so obviously troubled him one lonely night, but such a confession never came to pass.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Kan Mikami - unreleased live recording, tracks 9-16 (January 21, 2007, O-Nest, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 6, 2020
The legal department consisted of two attorneys, the general counsel and the deputy general counsel. For the past two years, Elaine had occupied the subordinate position. Although the salary difference between the two was substantial, the work load was essentially the same. She did not complain because she appreciated that the job was confined to business hours and the benefits were good. The issues that she faced at work revolved largely around contractual language. Such negotiations were a tug of war, each party yielding ground incrementally until a satisfactory agreement was reached. She found comfort in the predictability of the contest and the inevitability of its resolution.

Elaine had been married once to a fellow law student. The marriage had lasted the last two years of law school and then dissolved by the end of the first year of practice. Her ex-husband's job had required regular social drinking with clients late into the night, which she had neither anticipated beforehand nor appreciated in the moment. When his routine resulted in infidelity, she terminated the marriage.

She had regained her equilibrium during the past year of solitude. In this period of retrospection, she recognized again that she preferred to share her life with another. Elaine contemplated in an unhurried manner the resumption of dating. Her mind was open save that she had resolved not to marry another attorney.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Tsuneo Imahori - unreleased live recording, track 1 (June 3, 2007, In F, Oizumi Gakuen, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 7, 2020
Elaine preferred to follow rules, even when they were trivial, annoying or arbitrary. So, she ate her lunch in the break room, rather than in the privacy of her office. There she observed that some employees brought home-made sandwiches or left-overs in Tupperware, while others had delivery services bring food from nearby restaurants and delicatessens. Elaine possessed reasonable culinary skills and enjoyed the occasional opportunity to experiment at home. On days following a successful outcome, she brought in her own left-overs. On other days, she ordered out with the others. In any case, during this part of her day, she encountered workers with whom she had no other contact. Routine and proximity had made acquaintances of them. Modest gestures--a smile, wave of the hand or perfunctory greeting--were exchanged before groups segregated at the half dozen tables according to their job descriptions. The general counsel, with whom she worked most closely, did not have his lunch here, opting instead to exercise his access to the executive conference room with the other corporate leaders. Consequently, Elaine entered the break room each day alone and had the regular challenge of finding a spare seat at a table dominated by another group. This daily tribulation was both trifling and tiresome. On some days, it loomed as a deterrent sufficient to prompt her to work straight through lunch.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Tsuneo Imahori - unreleased live recording, track 2 (June 3, 2007, In F, Oizumi Gakuen, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 8, 2020
As often as not, Elaine found herself at the programmer's table. All men, they viewed the presence of a woman in their midst as a welcome affirmation that they were not completely repellent to the fairer sex. The programmers generally made no attempt to accommodate her in their conversation, which suited Elaine fine. For the most part, the talk over lunch among these men pertained to one of two topics: the merits and flaws of forthcoming or recently released technological devices, or the merits and flaws of all things fantasy and science fiction, including but not limited to films, comic books, novels, toys, replica props, and conventions. Elaine had little impact on these sometimes heated discussions except when it came to the subject of the female form. For those familiar with this particular subculture, women, whether it be in their portrayal in graphic novels or in cosplay appearances at conventions, are often highly sexualized--garbed in scanty costumes, which accentuate their breasts, buttocks and legs. The commonly offered rebuttal, that the depiction of men in these same media and venues are equally removed from the actual physical proportions of the male audience, is curiously ineffective. In any case, the programmers refrained from issuing appreciative whispers on the visual appeal of a given heroine or villainess, on those days when Elaine sat among them. They switched instead to a system of winks and nods, which was not at all effective in its attempt at subtlety. Nevertheless, what effort they exerted on Elaine's behalf pleased her. Their comments often struck her as humorous and not infrequently Elaine was forced to hide a smile.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Kenichi Takeda - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-2 (August 5, 2007, Lady Jane, Shimokitazawa, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 9, 2020
Elaine was not the only individual seated at the programmer's table, who did not participate fully in the conversation of the day. To varying extents, these men eschewed social conventions. Even those who possessed the self-awareness to recognize lapses in etiquette for what they were seemed accepting of such behavior among their peers. As a result, no one thought it odd that Elaine remained silent during their discussion regarding the merits of a new processor, where she lacked expertise to contribute, nor regarding a recent blockbuster at the theater, where she could have had as much to say as anyone else, had she bothered to see it. In fact, on any given day, at least one of the programmers also avoided any interaction with his colleagues, eating his lunch in silence while he scanned various aps on his cellphone. This conduct, more intentionally insular than absent-mindedly detached, appeared conspicuous and rude to Elaine, who of course made no remark. As for Cole, he sat at the table seemingly engaged. His eyes followed from one speaker to the next and his face registered appropriate expressions in response. However, he spoke only when directly prompted. Elaine concluded, correctly we suppose, that whatever was wrong with him was different than the general social ineptitude, which afflicted the rest of his group.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Kenichi Takeda - unreleased live recording, tracks 3-5 (August 5, 2007, Lady Jane, Shimokitazawa, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 10, 2020
We try to remember the first words that Elaine spoke to Cole but, being of no significance, they are lost to memory. We picture her taking the last vacant seat at the table. Left-handed she knocks elbows with Cole, who is right-handed. Now we are floating in the lunchroom, as if a disembodied witness trapped in a dream not our own. Her mouth opens revealing the ordinary movements of lips and tongue to form the syllables from which an apology might emerge, but that sound does not reach our ears. Instead, we are assaulted by a garbled montage of voices. We catch fragments of what we suppose are words but none of them match the visual component of the exchange nor do they convey any meaning. Cole turns his head slightly in Elaine's direction. An expression neither irritable nor kind flashes across his face, as if she were an entity incapable of eliciting an emotional response in him. He too opens his mouth to return a word or two. We expect him to say something along the lines of "It's nothing," or "It's my fault". Instead, we are unexpectedly deafened by an inhuman outburst, part furious roar and part anguished groan. There can be no doubt that this scene is not what actually transpired for no one else in the room takes any note of it. It seems clear that our memory of the event has been either deliberately tampered with or corrupted by natural processes of deterioration.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Kenichi Takeda - unreleased live recording, tracks 6-9 (August 5, 2007, Lady Jane, Shimokitazawa, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 11, 2020
We can only speculate as to the nature of Cole's appeal to Elaine. Certainly, we cannot attribute it to personal charisma or physical attraction. Although she would likely deny it, we find it more probable that Elaine was drawn to Cole through a sense of pragmatism. Her first marriage had ended in divorce because of her partner's infidelity. In one such as Cole, she suspected that the odds of an extramarital affair were relatively small. After all, he spoke to few people, male or female. Calculations of this sort are viewed as a poor basis for initiating a relationship. A movement of the heart, impulsive or gradual, is generally preferred in these matters. Perhaps, Elaine experienced something of both. She had not been a woman in whom the pitiful evoked an overly compassionate response, so it seemed out of character for Cole to strike such a chord. On the other hand, we find comfort in supposing that Elaine, yet in her twenties, remained capable of emotional growth. It falls within the realm of possibilities that Cole's introverted nature awakened a sympathetic response within Elaine, which she had until that time ignored.

written while listening to:  Vajra - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-9 (October 2, 2007, Jam, Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 12, 2020
Elaine supposed that, as she spent more time with Cole, she would discover the nature, as well as the origin, of what was wrong with him. Perhaps, wrong was too strong of a word for Elaine. Rather, something was just a bit off with Cole. However, she did not consciously frame this relationship as an investigation so she was not disappointed when no culprit was identified. To the contrary, the more time Elaine spent with Cole, the less there seemed to be anything wrong with him. He was intrinsically ordinary. His sole unusual characteristic, or so it appeared to Elaine, was his diffidence. Once she had gotten past the shell of this defense, her perception of Cole as a potential mate solidified.

That said, Elaine still sought to understand him. One night, after a movie, as they lingered arm-in-arm in the lobby of the theater, the couple passed several posters advertising upcoming films. One poster, clearly promoting a horror, depicted a young girl, with solid black eyes, lurching through the crack in a door, from which a blinding light burst. Elaine confessed, "When I was a kid, even seeing this poster would have given me nightmares for a week." She added, "What scared you most when you were young?" Cole frowned. He paused overlong until Elaine gently tugged at his arm to jolt him out of his reverie. His eventual answer struck her as overly bland, given his reaction. "I was afraid of the dark." This statement is the closest Cole ever came to revealing the terror that the squids had inflicted upon him for over a decade and a half of his life.

written while listening to:  Vajra - unreleased live recording, tracks 10-15 (October 2, 2007, Jam, Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 13, 2020
During their courtship, it became inevitable that each should introduce the other to their parents. Elaine had grown up in a small town a forty minute drive outside the city, where her parents still resided. Because Cole's parents lived in town, she suggested, purely on the basis of proximity, that she meet them first. At this time, Cole confessed that he had told neither his mother nor his father about her, an admission which initially upset Elaine. His protestations that he had never regarded his parents as confidantes soothed her only a little.

In the face of inexorable movement toward such a meeting, Cole drove out to his parents' house after work one Friday evening. The trio sat around the dinner table over a home-cooked casserole as Cole assured them that everything went well at his job. The purpose of his appearance eventually became clear and it fell to his mother to pry out the details, lest his visit be in vain. Cole shared basic biographical information, including the fact that Elaine was a lawyer. Since his parents had always dreamt of Cole becoming a doctor or a lawyer, this news cheered them. It seemed a herald that perhaps their dashed dreams could be transferred to the next generation.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino, Makoto Kawabata & Tatsuya Yoshida - unreleased live recording, track 1 (October 26, 2007, UFO Club, Koenji, Tokyo, Japan, digital file)

February 14, 2020
Cole was able to communicate the age difference--Elaine was five years his senior--without alarming his parents. He could almost watch the gears turn in his mother's head as she calculated how many child-bearing years might be reasonably left to this woman. Given her own struggle with infertility, which had ultimately culminated in the adoption of Cole, it seemed natural for her thoughts to take this path.

The news that Elaine was a divorcee proved more difficult for his parents to accept. Of course, there is no way for a father to say to his son of a prospective mate, "Is this the best you can do?" So, nothing was said, but the mood around the kitchen table abruptly shifted from one of celebration to an awkward silence. Under his parents' gaze, Cole felt an impulse to apologize but, certainly, it was out of the question that he should apologize for Elaine. After this last piece of information was shared, it was with some reluctance that his mother repeated the invitation for Cole to bring Elaine to their house.

On the return drive downtown that night, while waiting at an intersection, he witnessed a car run a red light and crash at high speed into the side of another vehicle. In the ensuing chaos of calming the injured until ambulances arrived, Cole found relief from his parents' opprobrium.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Jim O'Rourke - unreleased live recording, track 1 (October 29, 2007, Jam, Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 15, 2020
After the divorce, the house, which Elaine had jointly purchased with her ex-husband, was sold. She had bought another house in the same trendy, midtown neighborhood. She loved the big lots and the mixed architecture of the homes in the area, but she had simply not wanted to remain in a house that reminded her of betrayal. She was located significantly farther from the office than was Cole's apartment, but there were no comparable residences downtown. "Would you ever live here?" she asked of Cole. It was a loaded question because it presumed an intimacy they had not yet shared.

Cole seemed unaware of the implications. He discussed at some length various alternate routes that could be taken to mitigate midtown traffic. Elaine chimed in from time to time, providing insight from her own commute on the relative effectiveness of his suggestions. "I would have to try it for a while and see," Cole concluded. By this statement, he did not intend to invite himself to move in with Elaine. Still, that innocent statement provided sufficient impetus to push the couple over the barrier behind which they had lingered. That night, for the first time, Cole did not return to his apartment.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Jim O'Rourke - unreleased live recording, track 2 (October 29, 2007, Jam, Shinjuku, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 16, 2020
On that night, Elaine discovered that Cole remained a virgin. She would have preferred it otherwise, for it made her feel old and used by comparison. The fact that he had never demonstrated the social competency to interact with a woman to the extent that she was willing to sleep with him also caused Elaine to second guess her choice of dating partner. More than anything else, his virginity planted a seed of doubt in her mind regarding his ability to maintain a long-term relationship with her. She supposed that sex functioned as a stress-relieving mechanism to bind a couple together and to smooth over rough patches. It worried her that Cole had seemed impervious to this appeal.

In any case, she overcame his inexperience without undue difficulty or embarrassment. He proved an eager pupil. They spent the night in her bed and, after a shared shower in the morning, returned to its comforts. When they were both satisfied and lying contentedly beside each other, Elaine wanted to ask of Cole, "How is it that you never pursued this pleasure before?" She could not bring herself to voice this question. This was her first experience with a facet of Cole that his parents knew all too well; it was difficult to openly communicate with someone who kept his deepest secrets to himself.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Masataka Fujikake - unreleased live recording, track 1 (November 1, 2007, Knuttel House, Iriya, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 17, 2020
Elaine insisted upon proceeding carefully; she fervently desired to avoid the same outcome as that of her first marriage. Once her relationship with Cole involved intimacy, she presumed that it would be exclusively monogamous. However, given her experience, she did not want to take for granted that both parties felt the same way. As soon as her thoughts ventured down this path, she instantly felt the impulse for the lawyer in her to take control. She resisted as best she was able. There would be no written contract between them, for that was not the constrained love that Elaine wanted to share. Besides, Cole had never slept with a woman before her and it seemed improbable that she would serve as the gateway for his sudden transformation into a rampant philanderer. Still, Elaine remained vigilant. Occasionally she chided herself for being overly suspicious. When Cole claimed that he had a code to finish and would be staying late at the office, Elaine suppressed the urge to check up on him, though this was precisely the ruse by which she had been previously deceived. Either she hid her wariness exceedingly well or Cole was truly an innocent, for he remained oblivious to her unease beyond all reasonable expectation.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Masataka Fujikake - unreleased live recording, track 2 (November 1, 2007, Knuttel House, Iriya, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 18, 2020
It proves impossible to retrieve memories of this time without temporal distortion. Both Elaine and Cole were young, healthy professionals, with stable employment and potential paths for career advancement. On weekends, they occupied their time in frivolous pursuits suitable only for their mutual enjoyment. How long can such a state of bliss be expected to endure? A year, perhaps two, or maybe five on the outside. In retrospect, it seems an instant, no longer in span than the moment it takes for the head of a match to erupt in flame and recede. The grand accomplishment to which this couple could lay claim during this period is only to have fallen in love. They lived exactly as we hope everyone on Earth has a chance to live, if only for a while--in happiness and in health. To what purpose is human life made if young people cannot experience this pinnacle of existence? When the cumulative sum of human joy is balanced against that of misery, what hope have we to come out anywhere near even if we do not allow and encourage Elaine and Cole to disappear from time into each other for the span of a few brief years?

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Shiho Ishihara - unreleased live recording, track 1 (November 7, 2007, Plan B, Nakano Fujimicho, Tokyo, Japan, digital file)

February 19, 2020
Images without context but full of emotion surge to the fore. Thick snowflakes collect in that portion of Elaine's brown hair, which emerges from beneath her stocking cap. We see her from the point of view of the individual whom she is facing. It must be Cole, for Elaine is smiling from ear to ear, invigorated it seems by the falling snow and the companionship of her partner. Her teeth are white and straight; her faux-fur-lined parka looks new and clean. We don't know why they are walking down the sidewalk in these wintry conditions, neither their origin nor destination. She reaches out a mitten to grab hold of his gloved hand. She tugs at him and he slips on the ice, a moment of lost balance quickly restored. Accident averted, her laughter rings in the cold air. Somewhere, lying just beneath the surface, there must dwell the ordinary anxiety of living--bills to pay, automobile maintenance to be scheduled, errands to run--but none of that is evident. The absence of mundane concerns imbues this moment with a sense of artificiality. We insist that we did not make up this image. We feel an obligation to present evidence that there existed an ebullient joy between Elaine and Cole, though later such an assertion may be judged inconceivable.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Pan Sonic - unreleased live recording, track 1 (November 20, 2007, Espace Multimédia Gantner, Bourogne, France, digital files)

February 20, 2020
Elaine's reticence to inform her family of her new romantic partner initially equaled that of Cole. Her parents had been supportive through-out her first marriage and had been understanding, given the cause of its dissolution. Still, there exists a common conception that it takes two people to cause a relationship to fail, which is often, though not, invariably true. Elaine felt in her mother an unspoken judgment that she must have not acted with sufficient initiative to maintain a healthy relationship, that she had not provided the comfort necessary to keep her husband from straying, that she had not been adequately attentive to warning signs, and finally that she had been too quick to resort to divorce.

In her younger, single sister, Elaine had found unreserved support. Claire had been quick to defend Elaine's decision and to reassure her that no fault lay with her. She referred to the ex-husband as a "cheating pig" with such frequency that Elaine pled with her to desist. "Please stop calling him that. I once fell in love and married that cheating pig." In acknowledging that she had voluntarily entered the union, Elaine accepted some responsibility for its ultimate failure.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Pan Sonic - unreleased live recording, track 2 (November 20, 2007, Espace Multimédia Gantner, Bourogne, France, digital files)

February 21, 2020
Questioning her own judgment, Elaine hatched a rather mundane plan to introduce Cole to her sister, Claire. A day or two after the meeting, she intended to ascertain Claire's opinion of Cole, with the purpose of identifying potential issues to which she might have blinded herself. Alternatively, we can describe the meeting from a wholly innocuous perspective, as the natural and inevitable meeting between Elaine's boyfriend and members of her family. The trio ate dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant. Over pho and spring rolls, Elaine played the role of an impartial observer, rather than of a facilitator interceding, as necessary, on Cole's behalf so as to present him in the best light. Unaware of any ulterior purpose, Cole enjoyed his meal. He answered Claire's questions amiably. Cole possessed a theoretical knowledge of social obligations and though he was not naturally loquacious, he made a conscious attempt to add to the conversation. Claire also had not been informed of a functional role in the meeting, so she certainly avoided venturing into topics of discussion that might have been regarded by any party present as uncomfortable or awkward. All in all, we can conclude the trio passed a pleasant evening together.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino, Mitsuru Nasuno & Eiko Ishibashi - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-2 (December 1, 2007, Goodman, Akihabara, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 22, 2020
The two sisters met again for a Saturday afternoon of bicycling. Both had hauled their bikes out to a rural park, where a combination of paved and dirt paths wove along the river bank and into the surrounding woodlands. As it was still February, only a few hardy cyclists were on the trail. Elaine and Claire had bicycled everywhere as children and it was a leisure activity in which they now engaged less frequently than either would have liked. Certain stretches of the route permitted two riders to travel side by side and were conducive to conversation.

"Well, I have been dying to ask, what did you think of Cole?" asked the elder sister of the younger, in one such straightaway.

Claire, picked up the pace, requiring her to breathe more and speak less, for what could she reply but the obvious, that there was something wrong with her sister's choice of partner, though she could not precisely put her finger on it. She had felt a little uneasy at the dinner. Cole had struck her as if he were an actor seeking experience, using this social interaction as practice for some other, ostensibly more real, situation to come. This ill-defined impression, without specific justification, could not be communicated on a bike ride. "He's no cheating pig!" Claire gasped between breaths. It was a terrible thing to say and she immediately regretted it.

written while listening to:  Sanhedrin - unreleased live recording, track 1 (December 5, 2007, Cay, Aoyama, Tokyo, Japan, digital file)

February 23, 2020
Despite a general lack of approval or support from either family, Elaine and Cole arrived in tandem at the individual conclusions that each wanted to spend the rest of their life with the other. For Cole's part, he had never placed great store in anyone's opinion of what he should do other than his own. Besides, he possessed the nominal degree of empathy to understand that his parents only wanted what was best for him. After they had met Elaine and accepted how much she meant to their son, they warmed to her as parents everywhere do. Her previous marriage became a fact they never mentioned, an unfortunate symptom of changing societal standards over which they had no control.

As for Elaine, her challenge was somewhat more difficult because there was something wrong with Cole, which she was willing to overlook. Others could sense it but not identify its source. Nor could she for that matter. Elaine's mother supposed, privately, that Cole's inherent aloofness, despite his best effort to engage, stemmed from his early childhood as an orphan. "That sort of damage," she had confided to her husband, "never heals." "Go to bed," he ordered her gruffly. He was a man who knew from experience that the whole world was messed up; each person had to do the best they could and make their peace with it. There was no sense in losing sleep over it.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino, Yoshimitsu Ichiraku & Fuyuki Yamakawa - unreleased live recording, track 5 (January 13, 2008, O-Nest, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan, digital file)

February 24, 2020
To a good extent, Cole accepted that his rational voice overrode his emotions more than appeared to be the case with others, including Elaine. He felt no great desire to change the way he was so that he more closely conformed to the norm, but neither did he feel a need to cling to eccentricities, simply as a means of self-expression. Cole wanted merely the same thing everyone else wants, namely to participate in a life that is at once both pleasant and meaningful. Elaine had become an essential element of that life. Consequently, when Cole reached the logical decision that their relationship should progress into marriage, he did not want to disappoint Elaine, simply because the legal certificate meant nothing to him. Instead, he imagined that the optimal course of action, all things considered, was to accommodate Elaine's desire for a husband who recognized her needs and responded to them. Let us not undermine the nobility of this intention with the calculations that produced it. For once in his life, Cole abandoned his frugal nature and purchased a diamond engagement ring. He proposed to Elaine on one knee, as he supposed was the prescribed ritual. He had read the situation correctly because her acceptance was enthusiastic and immediate.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino, Han Bennink, Seiichi Yamamoto & Masayasu Tzboguchi - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-8 (February 10, 2008, Super Deluxe, Roppongi, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 25, 2020
Although the reader may find it rather pedestrian, let us not omit all mention of the wedding ceremony. The selection of a best man deserves special consideration. As it was her second marriage, Elaine preferred a small affair. Serving as her maid of honor was again her younger sister, Claire. As for Cole, when his fiancée asked him who he would select as his best man, he shrugged indifferently. "You can pick," he told her, not knowing how his words would upset her. An entire evening was spoiled as she plumbed the depths of his relations and discovered that there was no individual, from his childhood, high school years or time in college with whom Cole had formed a lasting bond. She had not intended to invite coworkers to the wedding, but she was willing to reconsider if Cole could identify a fellow programmer to serve as his best man. Again, Cole asked, "Which one would you like?" This episode provided irrefutable evidence to Elaine that there was something wrong with Cole. Nevertheless, she moved forward with the plans. Ultimately, there was no best man in the ceremony, a fitting testament to the isolation of the man whom Elaine was to marry.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Akihisa Tsuboy - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-8 (March 2, 2008, In F, Oizumi Gakuen, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 26, 2020
Although Elaine desired to keep the wedding separate from work and Cole expressed no opinion one way or the other, it was unreasonable to expect them to totally conceal their impending marriage from their coworkers. No formal announcement was made, but Elaine let it be known in a few individual conversations, allowing word to quickly spread through-out the building. By this means of distribution, those who were inclined to raise an eyebrow at the news of the pairing could do so privately, before expressing to Elaine perfunctory congratulations. As for Cole, the programmers as a whole were much less interested in tact. Some congratulations directed his way seemed to him compliments more appropriate to having achieved a high score on a video game. He gracefully accepted best wishes in whatever form they arrived.

A new topic of hushed discussion arose in the office in which opinions regarding the compatibility of Elaine and Cole were exchanged. While some voiced dire predictions, others correctly pointed out that nothing seemed to phase Cole, so why should marriage? Previously ignored, once Cole had been claimed, women in the office began to hint that his imperturbability presented a certain appeal to them.

written while listening to:  Keiji Haino & Akihisa Tsuboy - unreleased live recording, tracks 9-16 (March 2, 2008, In F, Oizumi Gakuen, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 27, 2020
Cole invited only his parents to the wedding, though he allowed them to extend the invitation to his three living grandparents. Elaine assured her betrothed that the presence of additional family was essential. It would look weird if the number of guests from the bride and groom were sharply imbalanced. His maternal grandparents lived on the north side of town, separated by a forty-five minute drive in the lightest of traffic. They had occasionally babysat Cole when he was a child and he knew their home from the Christmas holidays. To point out that he had never especially warmed to them is to forget that he had never warmed to anyone, before meeting Elaine. His paternal grandmother resided closer to his childhood home but had dwelt as a solitary widow for as long as he could remember. So reclusive was she that Cole assured Elaine she would not accept the invitation. When his mother shared news that she was coming, Elaine chastised him for underestimating the affection that his relations had for him. "Weddings bring out the best in families," she assured him. Cole had the discretion to keep to himself the opinion that these three old people had always been and continued to be utterly inconsequential to him. He privately reaffirmed his intention to play the part of a dutiful groom and host.

written while listening to:  Aihiyo - unreleased live recording, tracks 1-3, 5 (May 3, 2008, Showboat, Koenji, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 28, 2020
On the day before the wedding, Claire committed a tactical error that would in retrospect be identified as the source of an irreparable rift in her relationship with her sister. She misinterpreted the ordinary nervousness of a bride (even a bride preparing for her second marriage) as a weakening of Elaine's resolve. Claire seized upon that perceived moment of indecision to voice her own reservations regarding the selection of Cole as a husband. "It is not too late to change your mind," she said plaintively. Instantly it became evident to Claire that she had misread the situation, for the expression that flashed across Elaine's face was one of deep hurt. Of course, Claire apologized repeatedly and profusely and, of course, Elaine accepted her apology. Each sister would retain their role of bride and bridesmaid on the following day.

In this exchange it can be seen that open, honest communication is not always the best approach to maintaining relationships. For Cole's part, whatever nervousness he may have felt was shared with no one. On the contrary, on the day before the wedding he was in high spirits because he found and fixed the last remaining bug of a ten-thousand-line subroutine that had been giving his group fits for a month.

written while listening to:  Aihiyo - unreleased live recording, tracks 4, 6 (May 3, 2008, Showboat, Koenji, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)

February 29, 2020
So it came to pass on February twenty-ninth that Cole and Elaine were married. She wore a simple white gown that reached almost to her knees and left her shoulders exposed. She had indulged herself, having her hair done and make-up applied at a beauty salon prior to the event. "A radiant bride," said more than one guest. Cole found her lovely beyond words. He wore a simple slate gray wool suit, which, when buttoned, made him appear excessively thin. Elaine had fussed over this until he agreed to leave it unbuttoned during the ceremony. He cared very little; he had no intention of ever wearing the suit again. He had mentioned, upon purchasing it under her direction, that if he packaged the suit carefully away from moths after the wedding, he hoped to be buried in it. Elaine assured him that, in the ensuing marital bliss, she would inevitably fatten him up and his days of fitting in the suit would soon be long behind him. In an era of a national obesity epidemic, Cole imagined the unlikely prospect of becoming fat with ambivalence. Elaine made it sound like such a pleasant process that he did not reject the idea out of hand.

written while listening to:  Aihiyo - unreleased live recording, tracks 7-9 (May 3, 2008, Showboat, Koenji, Tokyo, Japan, digital files)